I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
#winning
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*