The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You Might Also Like
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus