Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.