me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
a public service announcement
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did