My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Nice try Hitler
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.