My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.