me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”