I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
You Might Also Like
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
#oldknees
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.