At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ape together strong
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.