How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I am also baked goods
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”