“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Yes, but it was never about money
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th