if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
not to brag, but mine was free
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”