Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”