My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.