I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol