Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
This is enough internet for the day.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.