*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”