“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
estão todos miauvindo?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?