Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Scream sneezers need love too.
no regrets
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me