My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.