Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.