Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
When I said I liked it rough.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
the pigeons are already plenty salty
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample