21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
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Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
🤣
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
congratulations to them
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.