Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?