*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.