Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*