Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 馃檮
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you鈥檙e driving 70 mph on the freeway.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
why didn鈥檛 scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Thoughts
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”