“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario