I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
sin harder.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*looks at you in batman voice*
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.