Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.