My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.