Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products