I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Cha-ching is my safe word
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.