I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
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detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
☠️☠️☠️
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
this country is so goddamn polarized
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.