Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah