Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
hackers play passwordle
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes