-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
You Might Also Like
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
And then there were 4
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else