Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My Guy
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.