me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.