Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
You Might Also Like
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?