1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Lmao 🤣
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“