8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
me working on my assignments ^-^
kids play hide and seek like
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch