“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down