6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…