People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Yup.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.