Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.