what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m giving up ice.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.