No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.