4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…