“That’s so cool,” she lied.
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation